Saturday, June 14, 2008

Meet a Black Person

An idea whose time has come? I can just imagine these booths popping up everywhere. At the mall, downtown areas, assorted tourist attractions, Utah, etc. :)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Superstition -- Writer's Poke #93

For Writers:

Elevators don't have a floor thirteen; opening an umbrella inside brings bad luck, as does walking under a ladder and breaking a mirror. In some Asian cultures, the number four is equated with death. Where exactly do superstitions come from, and why do we still acknowledge them?

Take Friday the 13th as an example. Apparently the U.S. Navy will not even launch a ship on Friday the 13th, and the Stress Management and Phobia Institute report that fear of this date affects as many as 20 million people in the United States alone. Has anything bad ever happened to you on Friday the 13th? To me, the power of Friday trumps 13 anyway.

Some superstitions are more cute than sinister. A lot of sports superstars have superstitions, such as Michael Jordan wearing his University of North Carolina shorts under his Chicago Bulls game shorts. Such a superstition is nostalgic, but by no means harmful, whereas some superstitions can be down right debilitating.

Today, create a new superstition. First describe what it is, and explain what might happen to a person that ignores it. How can you release this new supersition to the world?


Are you superstitious? What superstitions do you believe in and why?

"We are all tattooed in our cradles with the beliefs of our tribe." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Knowledge Bad... Just Ask God

Have you ever wondered what it says about a religion whose basic first story condemns knowledge? I have.

Click on the cartoon for a bigger view.

McCain 2008 -- Locking up the "Seasoned" Vote

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Los Campeones de la Lucha Libre

Trailer for probably the coolest movie to be released this summer. :)

Jay and "Silent" Slider

Here's a pic of Jay and Slider -- the King of Heintz and the Mascot of Honkers together again, and maybe for the last time?
We'll miss you, Jay.

Who Wants to Blank? -- Writer's Poke #92

For Writers:

I love the Match Game show from the 1970s; the object of the game was for contestants to match the fill in the blank response to the answers the "all-star" celebrity panel provided. Most of the time, there was an obvious answer to select, but you just never knew if the panelists would pick the obvious, or if they'd go out on their own and try to be funny.

Perhaps the real charm of the show was Gene Rayburn as host. Who will ever forget the time he complimented a contestant on how lovely her "nipples" were when he meant to say "dimples"? What makes the slip so funny is that it was a genuine slip. These days, a host might make such "slips" on purpose.

Also charming is the fact that the panelists never used sexual innuendo as the least common denominator when selecting a response. Sure, some of the responses might have been sexual, but it was always done in a playful, and dare I say tactful, sort of way.

It sounds odd to suggest that a game show might stand the test of time, but I think this one will. While the clothes they wore will always pinpoint the show to the 1970s, the humor it produced is timeless.

Today, develop your own Match Game question, and then provide at least three possible responses. How did you develop your question and possible answers? What answer might you select as a contestant? As a celebrity panelist?

Classic Example: "Did you catch a glimpse of that girl on the corner? She has the world's biggest _________."

Possible Answers: a) handbag, b) glasses, c) boom-box, d) boobs, e) bottom.

"The funny thing is that everyone thinks I'm dead." -- Charles Nelson Reilly

The Secret -- Writer's Poke #91

For Writers:

A very popular book right now is called The Secret. The title alone compels you to read it (I have not), but the packaging of the book is even more brilliant. This book looks like no ordinary book. The book designer has purposely aged the look of the pages, and even the "S" in the title on the cover is embossed with a faux-wax seal.

Whereas there are things that everyone should know, there are also things that people keep you from knowing. Now, Ann Sexton's dead in "The Truth the Dead Know" might be thought to have secrets, but actually that's not the case. If you want to know the truth of the dead, all you need do is die. Then you too shall know, but the initiation fee for such knowledge may or may not be worth the cost of admission.

Other truths or secrets are even harder to come by. What is the secret to happiness, to contentment, to success, to life itself? Does anyone really know? Is there a dragon out there somewhere hording all the secrets to your life's fulfillment?

Today, share a secret. Or, take the idea of secrets and fill in the blank: The secret to _____. Unlock the secret and share it with someone you love.

"The secret of eternal youth is arrested development." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

What Do You Know? -- Writer's Poke #90

For Writers:

Ann Sexton's poem "The Truth the Dead Know" suggests that perhaps the dead know something us among the living do not. It's an intriguing concept, isn't it? That someone dead and buried can "know"?

Surely the living know a few things, too. Or should. Think of all the books and websites out there that tell us the things we should know. About history, about the Bible, about cars. Hell, about septic systems. Yes, apparently everyone should know at least a few things about everything.

That certainly sounds like a lot of work to me. That's what I know.

So, pick a topic of your choice. What do you know about that topic, and what should you know? Are there things that "everyone" should know -- either about that topic, or life in general?

"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge." -- Bertrand Russell

Take a Bow -- Writer's Poke #89

For Writers:

As a college dean, one of the complaints I often hear from faculty and staff is: "No one recognized me for my efforts." But when I ask, "Did you let people know what you accomplished?" I am often surprised how many times the idea has never occurred to them. For some reason, and perhaps it's just human nature, people think that everyone knows what great things they are doing without needing to be told (or reminded).

Of course, we do live in a culture where shining the spotlight on yourself is somewhat frowned upon. And yet, we all need praise, and we all need that spotlight from time-to-time. Therefore, I think it is artificial to go around avoiding the spotlight, only to wonder why no one is looking at you. If congratulations is what you seek, go ahead and take a bow. When others ask you what you're bowing for, let them know. You're sure to get more applause that way.

And hey, people take too much pride in humility anyway, and pride is a sin!

What have you recently accomplished that has gone unnoticed? Maybe you wrote a poem, maybe you cleaned the house, or maybe you just did a freewrite for this writing exercise. Whatever the case, describe what you did that you seek recognition for, and take a bow.

"The pride of the peacock is the glory of God." -- William Blake

Universal Grade Change Form

This is something I think I'll need to send out to all of my faculty. :)


University: ______________________
To: Professor ____________________
From: ____________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from
______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__ 1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__ 2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__ 3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______ Medical School
______ Graduate School
______ Dental School
______ My Fraternity/Sorority
______ The Mickey Mouse Club
______ Tri County Tech

__ 4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _____________.

__ 5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__ 6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__ 7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__ 8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__ 9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__ 10. You are prejudiced against:
____ Males
____ Jews
____ Blacks
____ Females
____ Catholics
____ Whites
____ Protestants
____ Moslems
____ Minorities
____ Chicanos
____ People
____ Students

__ 11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__ 12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____ mono
____ broken little finger
____ acute alcoholism
____ pregnancy
____ VD
____ fatherhood

__ 13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__ 14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__ 15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__ 16. The lectures were:
____ too detailed to pick out important points
____ not explained in sufficient detail
____ too boring
____ all jokes and not enough material
____ all of the above

__ 17. This course was:
____ too early, I was not awake.
____ at lunchtime, I was hungry
____ too late, I was tired

__ 18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes,
paper) for this course.

__ 19. Other__________________________________

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Worst Analogies

You may not have read some of these before. :)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Starship Trooper Octavia

First pictures of Octavia in her new "head-molding helmet."

Also, the first pictures with my new Sony Cyber-shot DSC-H50 digital camera. :)

Not From Concentrate

The comic is called "Not From Concentrate" and it's freakin' hillarious. The above are just some samples.

Go to the website for literally hundreds more. You're going to want to bookmark it for future reference. :p

As always, you can click on the above images for a bigger view.


This is what happens when you try to steal a purse from a WWE diva. The move is called a "belly-to-back suplex."

Click on this link to see the execution of the move on the unsuspecting purse thief.

Monday, June 9, 2008

I Own the 1990s -- Writer's Poke #88

For Writers:

I lived through the 1990s; in fact, you might even say I "came of age" during the 1990s. In this decade, I graduated three times -- once from high school, twice from college. At the beginning of the decade, I watched the Grunge movement kill Heavy Metal, and by decade's end, I relished Heavy Metal's triumphant rebirth.

In the early 1990s, I would watch with some curiousity as email stations popped up around my college campus; it was a closed system, with people only sending emails to other people on campus, and I wondered: why would you send an email to someone on campus when you could just call them or stop by their office or dorm room?

In the mid 1990s, the Internet appeared seemingly from nowhere, and it took me literally months to figure out how to connect my computer to the Internet. Yes, some of us had dialed in to electronic bulletin-boards to post text messages to Special Interest Groups (SIGs), but none of us had any idea what the "information superhighway" -- one of the most overused phrases in the 1990s -- would look like, and how it would change our lives forever.

By the end of the decade, I decided it was prudent to marry before the world ended with the promised Y2K Armageddon.

By living through and coming of age in the 1990s, I claim it as my decade. It has a significance and importance to me that other decades will never have, and for those of you that didn't experience the 1990s as I have, you're only standing on the outside looking in, my friends.

What decade do you claim as yours? Why?

"Nothing is as far a way as one minute ago." -- Jim Bishop

What Is It about a Chicken Crossing a Road? -- Writer's Poke #87

For Writers:

No one over the age of three would probably find the original answer to the riddle the least bit amusing, and yet "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road" has been a part of American culture for at least 160 years. What is its staying power?

Something about the image of a chicken crossing a road must speak to us at a deeper level. Taken as a riddle, the answer is obvious, but sometimes the obvious answers are the most difficult to see, and even harder to comprehend.

Taken as a joke, literally dozens if not hundreds of variations and punchlines have been offered, replacing the obvious answer in the original with a witty parody that imagines how famous politicians, movie characters, and other celebrities might answer the question.

Still, what is it about a chicken crossing a road that has kept our cultural attention for the past 160 years?

Speculate on the real cultural significance to the riddle "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" Are there other jokes or riddles that stick around in everyone's collective memories? What is the purpose of such jokes and riddles?


Revise/alter/parody the riddle "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" and/or its punchline. Why is your version better? Is it likely your version will be around in 160 years? Will it replace the original? Why or why not?

"Don't count your chickens before they cross the road." -- Author unknown

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Okay... just one more post about chickens crossing roads...

Interested in the origin of the chicken-crossing riddle? Wikipedia has a nice little article about it, including some more versions of the joke:

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

The three posts below this one will probably give you all the reasons you ever wanted and more, but you may also find this uncyclopedia article funny and useful to your chicken-crossing research (note: does contain foul -- no pun intended -- language):

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Yet More Reasons Offered:

John F. Kennedy
Er ist ein Roadcrosser

Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

John Wayne
'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do.

Perry Mason
I don't know, but I intend to find out. Della, get Paul on the phone for me.

The Jihad
The chicken crossed the road hoping for martyrdom.

Osama Bin Laden
To strike at the heart of the infidels. Praise be to Allah!

O.J. Simpson
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? (X-Files Version)

Only read this version if you're a true X-Files fan :)

Fox Mulder: No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully: There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner: You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM: There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek: Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers: It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly: It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike: I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder: It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder: I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully: I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully: The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.: One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.: Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg: Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell: To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man: It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X: The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias: I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken.... Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss. How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith: I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road, but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter: Tell me where the chicken is!

Section Chief Blevins: We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about crossing the road.

Mrs Budahas: That is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe (stoner kids): I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh - *landmines* and junk!

Tom Colton: At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the chicken crossed the road--any sane theory. I'm sorry, Dana, but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms: Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs: I've been waiting... sixty years... for the chicken to cross that road.

Darlene Morris: Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away from my chicken.

Ellen (Scully's friend): Well - first it had to get a life. And... a rooster.

Rob (Scully's date): I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer points of the state planning and taxation?

Brad Wilczek [Ghost in the Machine]: Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

Commander Henderson [Fallen Angel]: Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center: The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in eastern Wisconsin.

Eves: It just knew.

Phoebe Greene: Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively: It was dying for a cigarette.

Luther Lee Boggs: I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain, and oh god! The Road! He's going to cross the road!!

Brother Andrew: The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy pleasures we can't.

Michael [Genderbender]: The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

Jack Willis: To be run down so that another chicken could take over his body.

John Barnett: Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is...

Rev. Cal Hartley: The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

Indian guy [Shapes]: He should have been called... Feathered Chicken... or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

Doug Spinney: The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging... within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

Michelle Bishop: *I* made the chicken cross the road.

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man): Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

Roland: Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

Ed Funsch: It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

Duane Barry: I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

Kristin Kilar: The chicken won't cross the road. It's not who he is. It doesn't make him happy.

BJ Morrow: It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

Donnie Pfaster: Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks: It shot across the road to find out what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken): How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

The Gregors: That chicken was the last remaining. Unless you protect it, it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk [Colony]: You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for crossing the road?

Sophie the Gorilla: Chicken go crossing road.

Mr. Nutt: Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that it will cross the road? In an attempt to continue an age-old joke that never had any humor in the first place, you'll only managed to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its mediocrity. When in fact - do you really know if the chicken had better things to do than simply cross the road? That perhaps it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life? But no, you just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed* that the chicken would cross the road, thus, increasing an already clich├ęd stereotype.

The Conundrum:

Dr. Blockhead: It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

Charlie/Michael Holvey [The Calusari]: The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

Chaco: A chicken? That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

CC's character [Anasazi]: The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally assigned to remain at the the *side* of the road?

Albert Hosteen: There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz: The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road... It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal: We got the wrong chicken!

D.P.O. Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! cannot cross the is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us do anything? Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface... that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma: Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

Napleon "Neech" Manley: To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

Virgil Incanto: Mmm... Schmaltz.

Lucy Householder: I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope... then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

Japanese guy [Nisei]: To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

Dr. Bambi: To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road... what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov [WOTC]: I don't know much about... *chickens*. What is it?

Stoner Guy [WOTC]: Woah, man. The chicken's crawling up inside your arm. That's wrong, dude.

Det. White: To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri: The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!!

Margi: Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka: You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road? Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

Robert Modell: The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on, cross the road...

Holly [Pusher]: I don't know why the chicken did it! I'm so, so sorry, sir... I'm so sorry...

Jose Chung: I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different answer! Truth is as subjective as reality! By the way, do you know he he perfers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black: No object is more mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners: Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed theroad? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote: No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer: The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner: It wasn't a chicken. It was a MIB sent in by the *proper authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it off. Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson: This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

Mrs. Peacock: I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come and my home would never be the same...

Peacock Brothers: To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

Gerry Schnauz: Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers. Er hat unruhe....

Melissa Redell: Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood in a field. This is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney: I don't know why! Why don't you just leave the chicken alone! Leave it alone! It's already been through too much...

John Lee Roche: I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me. I want a deal. Trust a child molester?

Member of Congress [Terma]: Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken, and why is it not here?

Soledad Buente: Because his brother betrayed him.

Betty tattoo: Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse: Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

Leonard Betts: He's sorry. But the road had something he needed.

Dr. Scanlon: The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford: I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all, they want the same thing you want...

Sharon Graffia: The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch: I did it. I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig: So, I’ve devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak, crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking members of the military/poultry community. Not that they’d ever admit it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications. No, that would be un-American. And they won’t admit it until someone confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me. And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another day you’re going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster Farms, what’s a few CIA spooks to worry about.

Eddie Van Blundht: Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross the road. Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime?

Chuck Forsch: Oooh! That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it! I made the chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

Michael Kritschgau: The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you would believe the lie that chickens existed.

Chris Carter: You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon: Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong: Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it was back on this road, though, it didn't seem the same, so eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed to never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan: Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban: Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan: Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar, something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer: Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere, and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile: Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile: Who cares? It's just a stupid chicken! It's fictional! Why the heck are you worrying about a chicken, anyway? I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper: The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and were fated to cross.

NoRoMo: I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George: To get a bottle of Labatt's.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

There are a million reasons, but here's a sampling.

Barack Obama
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change. The chicken wanted change!

John McCain
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton
When I was first lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...

Al Gore
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

Albert Einstein
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Arthur Andersen
Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

B.F. Skinner
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Barbara Walters
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Bill Clinton
I did… not… cross… the road… with… that chicken! It depends on the meaning of the word "chicken."

Bill Gates
I have just released MS eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of MS eChicken 2003.

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Capt. James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Colin Powell
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Colonel Sanders
I missed one?

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

Dick Cheney
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

Dirk Gently
(Holistic Detective)
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Dr. Phil The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side. What must help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new ones.

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Emily Dickenson
Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

George Orwell
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

George W. Bush
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Hans Blix
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Iraqi Ambassador
Mohammed Aldouri
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

Jack Nicholson
Because it f*cking wanted to. That's the f*cking reason! You got a problem with that?

Jean-Paul Sartre
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Jerry Seinfeld
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Joe Lieberman
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

John Kerry
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross and I was misled as to that chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it in the future. Until I am for it.

John Lennon
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Johnny Cochrane
Now we’re not denying the chicken was at the road. The chicken freely admits that. But we intend to show, in a court of law by due process, that the chicken did nothing wrong.

Joseph Stalin
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Kenneth Starr
Because of Whitewater.

Louis Farrakhan
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

M. C. Escher
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Martha Stewart
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Nancy Grace That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Oliver Stone
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Oprah Winfrey Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So, instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not have to live his life like the rest of the chickens.
Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

For the greater good.

Ralph Nader
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Richard M. Nixon
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Ronald Reagan
What chicken?

Rush Limbaugh
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by our tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars; I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

The National Enquirer
Because the chicken is Elvis' secret love child, a fact kept secret from it by its mother, Emma May Higgins of Backwater, AL until just recently.

The Sphinx
You tell me.

Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

The Ten Commandments -- Writer's Poke #86

For Writers:

Moses may lay claim to the most famous Ten Commandments list, but a quick Internet search shows that many other people have used the format for their own purposes.

Did you know that the Mafia has its own Ten Commandments list? It's true. My favorite is Commandment #2: "Never look at the wives of friends." This begs the question: are only men in the mafia? Can female mafia not look at their male friends' wives?


In 1949, Major League Baseball Commissioner Ford Frick developed the Ten Commandments of Umpiring. Most of us, umpires or not, can probably work on Commandment #3: "Avoid sarcasm. Don't insist on the last word." Yeah, right.

And then there are some people who just feel that Commandments is too harsh a word; if you're in that group, how about Ten Suggestions? The ten suggestions at the website with the same name make a lot of sense to me. What do you think? Will we see these in the Courthouses of Alabama any time soon?

Today, come up with your own Ten Commandments (or Suggestions) list. Feel free to make it general to the principles of good living, or have some fun and make it specific to your career, family, specific hobby or interest area.

"'Thou shalt not get found out' is not one of God's commandments; and no man can be saved by trying to keep it." -- Leonard Bacon

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress." -- Ronald Reagan