The Writer's Poke

The following examples help explain why I never taught English at the high school level :) *** I especially like 19-25 *** 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage ...

To my 10 or 12 loyal readers, fret not. I've got a lot on my plate right now, but I will definitely be back blogging on a regular basis within a couple of weeks. I'll explain more about what's going on later, but safe to say, life at Writer's Poke will remain slow as other areas of my life have moved to the front burner for the moment. Nothing like putting out fires, eh? (Sorry for the number of cliched expressions infesting the above paragraphs... no time right now to be even somewhat original... but enough about me... how's you're life going this summer? Email me, or post a comment.)

Eastern Illinois University has added a disc golf course, and I had the chance to try it out yesterday. Overall, it's a very fun course for a beginner. Most of the holes are short, and there are not a lot of tree obstacles or water hazards. I say most of the holes are short, but Hole 8 is 735 feet, par 5. If you want to test your arm strength, there you go. Surprisingly, no one was playing the course. Granted, it was sprinkling a bit, but the temps were in the 70s (and this is July in Illinois). If you're in the Charleston area, go out and play the course. People in the area should also note that Lake Land College in Mattoon has just added a course as well. I haven't had a chance to play it, but it's good to see interest in disc golf developing in the central Illinois area.

The guy's name is Dimitri, and he has a way with the ladies. Listen to the audio, study his methods, and learn to charm chicks like a pro.

A quicky for you. :)

My daughter watches Yo Gabba Gabba, but the show would be a lot better if the kids danced to metal, dontcha think? By the way, Nathaniel is sporting the Muno shirt. Muno is a big ribbed sex toy on the show, at least that's what he looks like. I know people have been saying that forever, probably, but keep in mind that I didn't know Yo Gabba Gabba existed until about two weeks ago. :)

GORBACHOV: THE MUSIC VIDEO - BIGGER AND RUSSIANER from Tom Stern on Vimeo . Wow. I don't know how to explain this one. Think video game, think big serf breasts, think of coke and twinkies raining down like capitalist manna from heaven.

This just in... President Bush declares the United States a disaster area. He will be surveying the scene of the damage in a perimeter walk around the country tomorrow morning.

One more week until the new Batman movie. :) So, who do you like better: Batman or Joker?

Okay, guys. I have to admit that I don't have much of a mathematical mind, but this proof seems pretty solid to me. Any comments?

I love my wife. She just asked to squeeze my hand.

For Writers: It was my first week on the job as Dean, and I was attending a state conference for college Deans and Academic Vice Presidents. I had made the mistake of mentioning to my Vice President that it was my birthday, and he quickly made his way over to the Vice Chancellor with the news. Before she began her talk that morning, she announced that the system had a new dean starting out, and that it was his birthday. She requested that they all sing me Happy Birthday, and so 200 complete strangers belted out Happy Birthday at 8 a.m. in the morning. I wasn't embarrassed by that, but I couldn't take much joy in it, either, as these people were total strangers to me. Somehow, it would have meant more to me had it been 200 of my closest friends. Instead it was just 200 strangers singing not for me, but at the request of the Vice Chancellor. Has anyone (or a group of people) ever sang Happy Birthday to you in a public setting? How did you react? "Why is a birthday cake the ...

For Writers: The cushy job was ringing in the mall, but those gigs usually went to little old ladies or volunteers that were willing to donate an hour or two of their time. Hired guns like me were put outside in the elements, usually in front of grocery stores, or when we were lucky, maybe inside the entry ways at Walmart or Kmart. Unlike some bellringers that just half-assed it, I would ring continuously, whether there were any people visible or not. And, I never sat down on the job. I would stand throughout the entire shift, sometimes up to 8 to 10 hours, and after the first hour or so, I pretended not to notice the piercing winds or the bleak Illinois Decembers. It was interesting observing the people that avoided eye contact with me, or the people that felt compelled to tell me that they had already donated. Sometimes war veterans would come up to me and tell me how much the Salvation Army had done for them. More than one even told me that they wouldn't give the sweat off their...

I love the Dwight K. Schrute character from The Office , and I loved Xena so much that a named a cat after her (high praise from me, as it saved Octavia from being named Xena). But why, for the love of all that's holy, did Rainn Wilson pose for a photo as Xena?? It's just plain wrong, and I will never be able to erase the image from my brain. Now neither will you. http://www.joeydevilla.com/

For Writers: In 1997 I decided it was time to eliminate about 20 hair metal bands from my CD collection; although I still liked the groups, I just felt like it was time to make a clean break. So one night I took all of my Styper and Warrant and Whitesnake, et al, to the factory where I worked, and I gave them all away. And then I immediately regretted it. Eventually, I would replace every single CD that I had tried to purge from my musical soul. I had to admit it to myself: I'm stuck with the groups I love. I will never forsake them again, and I will not feel embarrassed for liking what I like. On the other hand, just like the Ford Focus car commercial where a driver gets outed for liking Michael Bolton, we probably all have music on our iPods that embarrasses us. For me, I suppose a guilty pleasure still on my iPod would be the pseudo-lesbian Russian duo t.a.T.u. In fact, I have both of their albums, but in my defense, I do not have any Bolton, Celine Dion, Yanni, or Liberace. Act...

For Writers: In 2004, Frank Warren acted on a simple idea. Give folks postpaid postcards with his address on them, and invite them to send him their secrets. And believe or not, people did. Each week, Warren posts a new batch of secrets to his blog -- http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ , and over the past few years, he's collected around 100,000 secrets. Some of these have also been published in book form. Critics of Warren's blog and books say that he is somehow "exploiting" the people that send him their secrets -- as if secrets were meant to remain, well, secret. And although his blog continues to be advertisement-free, they claim that he has no business profiting off of others with the sale of the Postsecret books. On the other hand, people visit his blog by the tens of thousands, and he has won quite a few awards and public acclaim for what started out as a pretty simple idea. Would you send Frank Warren, or any stranger, one of your secrets? If so, which one wo...

Note that Jesus hails from Salt Lake City. He he he

In respect of the music, I give you Mr. Rick Astley from 1988. (I like it 1:03 into the song when he realizes that singing with a tie on is never a good idea.)

Click on the ad for a bigger view. An ad from 1948, back in the "good old days" when life was simplier. First you could disinfect your countertops, and then you could use the same product to, well, you get the idea.

Do you like the Garfield comic strip, but just can't stand the cat in it? If so, check out the Garfield without Garfield version. It's just about the strangest thing ever. http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/