The Writer's Poke

For Writers: Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love," quite possibly the most important love anthem of my (or any) generation, has a purposely misleading title. First, Meatloaf chronicles all of the things he would do for love, including: 1) running into hell and back, and 2) never lying to you (and that's a fact). Meatloaf is nothing if not a romantic. But anyone that's listened to the song knows there is specifically one "thing" that he would never do for love: the enigmatic "that." And what exactly "that" designates isn't specified until the end of the song. And what exactly is it that he would never do? Simple: Meatloaf would never go "screwing around" for love. What would you not do for love? "Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull." -- H.L. Mencken

What are you tuned into at the moment? If you live in the Western world (i.e. the United States and all the places it influences), then you're probably tuned into Christmas. Doesn't really matter if your Christian, atheist, or other. Tis the season, yes? Yet this is also the season when stress levels go up, and suicide rates go up. The only thing that goes down is money in the checking account... and maybe, well, we won't go there... I've been the proverbial "sick dog" for the past few days, but my brain is still active. Ain't that a bitch? :) Drop me an email some time, my good droogies. I miss you all.

The cookies that make you want to take a pregnancy test. Mmmm.... fetus-flavored. My favorite! http://hogmalion.com/shop.cfm?Action=Det&ID=54

Here's a new game to play when you make that long Christmas road trip to Grandma's house. See who can create the best story through the common, everyday road signs you pass. Above is a pretty good example (click on the image to enlarge), but surely you can do better. www.link-through.com/new_car_road_signs/roadsigns2.jpg

It would be too easy for me to make a joke about this story, and I promise I won't say something like: "Why weren't cell phones invented when I went to high school" or "These girls were just trying to show their school spirit." As far as I can tell, though, nobody was pointing a guns to the girls' heads. That is, if they decided to take nude pictures of themselves, that's their business. And who hasn't taken nude pictures of themselves? Not me. But the real interesting thing about the story is that the lawyer admits that the girls made an "error," but surely that's enough, right? Just admit you've made the error, and then you shouldn't have to face punishment. Isn't that how our society works these days?

For Writers: Have you ever wondered what the world will be like when you aren't around to wonder? For most of time future, you won't be around. And when you're gone, some people might remember you for a while, but it won't be long before those people are gone, too. And then, all the people that knew you, or knew the people that knew you, will be gone as well. Simply put, in less than a hundred years time, even the idea of you will have vanished. Even the most famous people in the world become nothing more than a name. Take Alexander the Great, for example. The man conquered "the World," but what do most people know about him, really? So, if you're not remembered for "you," how can your legacy go on? Or does it matter? What difference can you make with your life that will last at least 100 years into the future? Would it bother you if you didn't receive the individual credit for making such a long-lasting difference? "The greatest use of ...

For Writers: The ideal of perfection is not good for morale. Since when did the definition of "good" become "not good enough"? Take, for example, the popular book Good to Great. If something is good -- a business, a life, etc. -- why can't we be satisfied? And what is the standard by which we measure good against great, anyway? A cliched phrase that has lost all meaning is "best practices." In the business world, you'll often hear people talk about "best practices," as though what works best for others can somehow be retrofitted to work best for everyone. Does that ever really work? Not in my experience. The conclusion: humans aren't perfect, nor do we need to be. The standard by which we should be measured is "good," and to measure humanity by any other standard is an insult. Think about something specific in your life that is good. Explain why you believe good really is "good enough" in this case. "Have no ...

For Writers: Sometimes it's just as much fun to watch my wife watching TV as it is to watch the TV itself. Linda isn't squeamish. She can watch the most violent horror movie without any problem. It's the slapstick comedy that gets her every time. Are you familiar with Fawlty Towers? If you've somehow missed this British sitcom, please quit reading this poke right now. You need to purchase the Complete Series DVD post haste. What makes this series difficult for my wife to watch? It's the masterful use of farce -- taking the comedy of errors to the point that laughter itself becomes painful. Basil Fawlty, played by John Cleese, isn't a bad man, but he always brings disaster upon himself, and while viewers understand that Fawlty gets what he deserves, on another level they also recognize that he is powerless to act in any way other than he does. Fawlty simply tries to play the role he has been culturally designed to play, and when things inevitably go wrong, we fee...

For Writers: Sometimes people sit around at parties and ask silly philosophical questions. Well, maybe not the parties you go to, but they do at the parties I go to. One typical question might be something like, "If you knew you only had six months to live, how would that change the way you lived the rest of your life?" We're all going to die, so why should the knowledge that we're going to die in a specific period of time make a difference to the way we live our lives? Do people really live life not believing that they are going to die? I've got news for all you non-immortals out there: You're all going to die. You might not know when, but you might as well start living like you do, because death happens -- even to you. And it could happen sooner than the hypothetical question raised at my philosophical party. Sweet Dreams. What do you want out of life? Do you live each day with that "want" in mind? "Death is more universal than life; everyone ...

What's better than the matching white undershirt look? I don't know, but there's just something about that Tavi. :)

If you're at all like me, you try very hard not to let the books in your house run wild. No matter how many books I read each year, I always seem to buy even more. So for 2009, I've decided to try something novel: the plan is to read from books I already own, and not buy any additional books for an entire year. Is that doable? I don't know. Here's the challenge: I don't care if you buy more books in 2009 or not. I just want you to read 50 books. Are you up to it? I tried to narrow my selection to the "Top 50 Books to Read for 2009," but I couldn't narrow it to 50. But here's an idea (subject to change) of what I plan to read in 2009 (in no particular order): Scott Adams -- God's Debris Scott Adams -- The Religion War Chuck Klosterman -- Killing Yourself to Live Chuck Klosterman -- Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs Chuck Klosterman -- IV Russell Baker -- Growing Up Frank McCourt -- Angela's Ashes Frank McCourt -- ' Tis Lee Stringer -- Sle...

For Writers: It's just speculation, but my guess is that no one would have ever heard of Tina Fey if a stranger hadn't cut her face with a knife when she was a small child. Anyone that's ever seen Tina has probably felt their eyes move uncontrollably to the big scar that marks the left side of her face. I hate to admit it, but that's the first thing I notice every time I see her on TV. And I should know better. I was born with an unusual right ear that interested many people when I was growing up. The top of my ear lapped over too much on top, and my peers couldn't help themselves. They would notice. And although some were too polite to mention noticing, I could always see them looking at it out of the corner of their eyes. In a strange way, I think my flawed ear made me a better observer, a better listener. I'm sure Tina's scar left a similar mark on the way she interacted with her peers, too. Humor certainly is a great defense. Humor is a weapon we use t...

I consider this a "found poem." :) Check out http://www.engrish.com/ And the next time you think your teenagers don't use good English, just think about how much better their mastery of the English language is compared to the rest of the non-English speaking world.

For Writers: One of my students told me that he didn't like short stories. "I'm just getting into the story," he said, "and then it's over. And I'm like, what happens next?" I pointed out to the student that readers of War and Peace might feel the same way, wondering what happens next. In fact, all endings may seem somewhat arbitrary, and that's because -- at least on some levels -- they are. In writing, the writer has the power to decide when to begin and when to end. Worrying about "what happens next" should not be the main objective. That's just plot. The main objective should be: Does the "middle part" that makes it to the page serve a purpose? Does it have continuity? A discernible and meaningful theme? Bottom line: Does it make the reader think? And is leaving the reader wanting more such a bad thing? Start with the end in mind -- be it your life, a relationship, a piece of writing that you're working on. How d...

I guess I just don't see it. Why do some people think Ann Coulter (see above) is attractive? Anyway, in the Department of Poetic Justice, we've just learned that Coulter has somehow broken her jaw. And it's been wired shut (hopefully permanently). http://gaysocialites.com/2008/11/keith_olbermann_on_ann_coulter.html

Some comics never disappoint. Pearls Before Swine is one of them. :)

For Writers: In the move The Matrix , Neo is offered a choice. He can take the Blue Pill and continue to live in ignorant bliss, or he can take the Red Pill and learn the painful truth. Why would anyone purposely choose pain over bliss? Yet there seems to be something hardwired in the human brain to do just that. We expect, however, to be punished for our choice. This is what the Genesis myth is all about. Adam and Eve were basically told not to take the Red Pill. But they were, in essence, still given the choice -- and the right (the expectation) to be punished. Now consider this: What value is being given a choice if you have no way of knowing the consequences of your decision? Neo cannot really know what will happen when he swallows the Red Pill, any more than Adam and Eve could know what would happen when they chomped down on God’s Apple. All that these characters know is ignorant bliss; but they also know that bliss without truth isn’t enough. What pill do you choose, and why? “Th...

Yes, I've taken more than one creative writing poetry class in my life; I think they're fun, but I'm by no means a poet. And yet here's a poem that just won't die. My droogie Vikram has posted it to different Internet sites over the years, and so it's still out there. Did it really leave such an impression on him that he continues to feel the need to share it with the world? When it was originally being reviewed in class, one of the girls in class said: "This sounds like you're trying to be pseudo intellectual." Well, really. Does anyone "try" to be pseudo intellectual? Not me. I just had a number of things working against me. 1) I was young, 2) I knew I couldn't write poetry, 3) I liked German, and 4) I played chess. Put it all together, and you end up with the following poem. "Zugzwang und Zwischenzug" - Freedom or love: which do you choose? Pretend for a moment that Life is the Let's Make a Deal game show, and the God...

For Writers: Nothing beats Denny's in the middle of the night. The people, the atmosphere, the food... One particular summer night, we decided to hit the local Denny's for some burgers, and we ordered the super nachos as an appetizer. The waitress brought out the super nachos, and boy were they tasty. After consuming about half of them, however, I noticed a hair hidden in the cheese. I pulled on said hair, and I pulled, and I pulled. To put the length of this hair into perspective, if it were growing out of my head, it would have easily reached down to my ass. Finding a hair in one's food can be quite off-putting, but finding a six foot hair hidden in my nachos made me want to go back into the kitchen and strangle the cook with his own offending hair. But I didn't. I paid good money for those super nachos, and I just kept on eating them. What is the grossest thing you have ever found in your food? Or, what is the grossest thing that you've ever (knowingly) ate? ...