The Writer's Poke

For Writers: I came to reading fiction rather by accident. Before I entered college, I read, but mainly just magazines like Sports Illustrated and Newsweek . It was not my habit to haunt bookstores, and my experiences in high school English classes gave me little encouragement to see what I might be missing. It's difficult to imagine a time when the names Vonnegut, Hemingway, and Steinbeck meant nothing to me, but the truth is, I had no one to show me the way. Then, one of my first college English instructors gave our class her personal reading list. Here were over 500 books that she had read from cover to cover. That intrigued me. Why would anyone dedicate so much time to reading? But she asked each of us to read a book from the list, and I selected Mary Shelley's Frankenstein . It sounds cliche to say, but Shelley took me to another world. And in short order, I read Animal Farm and 1984 and Lord of the Flies and Slaughter-house Five and on and on and on. It was never my inte...

For Writers: I didn't know how to use the telephone. It never occurred to me that I could invite friends over to my house. Instead, I would stay home on Friday nights, wondering what other kids were doing. Why didn't they call me? Why didn't they invite me over to their house? Once in a while somebody did, but more often than not, I spent the night at home alone, reading a magazine. Wondering. When I was old enough to drive a car, I would sometimes drive around town, sometimes aimlessly, but sometimes purposely. I would drive past the houses of people I knew, hoping that someone might be outside. That would give me the excuse to stop. Then I could say, "Hey, I was just driving by, and I happened to see you." But I almost never saw anyone, and the idea of stopping to knock on somebody's door was much too forward for my taste. For the longest time I lived by the philosophy of: If it happens, it happens. Unfortunately, even when I tried to increase my odds of ma...

For Writers: It was the middle of the night, and I really couldn't remember where I was. The room was completely dark, and I stumbled over to the corner. A picture of Marilyn Monroe hung on the wall, and her face seemed to emit a faint glow. Under her picture was a small cabinet. Still half asleep, I pulled open one of the drawers and thought I was standing in front of a urinal. Before I could do any damage, Matt walked through the door, saw what I was about to do to his cabinet, and suggested that I might want use the toilet in his bathroom instead. With the flip of the light switch, the room got bright, and the cabinet that I thought was a urinal became a cabinet again. Describe your most embarrassing moment; or, tell a story about the most inappropriate place that you've ever used the bathroom. "Excuse me, everybody, I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to telephone, but I'm too embarrassed to say so." -- Dorothy Parker

For Writers: When the party was over, she followed him upstairs to the bedroom. I had had too much to drink, and I was going to sleep on the couch downstairs. But at the moment, I wasn't tired. The idea of her going upstairs played over and over again in my mind. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door; it was the neighbor from the adjacent apartment. We knew each other, but we weren't friends. He asked me if I had seen this girl, and I explained that she had gone upstairs with the party's host. At the time, I didn't realize that she and the neighbor were dating. And apparently, I wasn't in control of my mouth. I told the neighbor some pretty mean things about this girl and how slutty she was to go upstairs to my friend's bedroom. The next morning when I woke up, the girl had apparently already left, but as I was preparing to leave myself, she came back. And when she saw me, she tore into me. How could I, she asked, tell the neighbor those awful things about her...

For Writers: I'm tempted to quote the theme song from the 1980s television show "The Facts of Life," but I won't. For those of you familiar with the show, I'm sure that the song is already starting to play on an endless loop inside your mind. And for that, I apologize. But on a more serious note, are there any "facts of life"? We live in an age where everything is relative. Most people seem scared to take a position or to stand up for something that they believe in. And anyway, as we all know, belief and facts don't always go together. Your mission, if you're up to the challenge, is simply this: list as many facts about life as you can. And then, take it to the next level. Take those facts, and develop your life philosophy. For those of you that already have a life philosophy, don't impose your philosophy on the facts. Come up with the list of facts first, and then create your philosophy solely from those facts. It will be interesting to see ...

For Writers: When I was five years old, I had rather simple pleasures. For Christmas that year, I would have been happy getting Lego's, tinker-toys, or stuffed animals. Heck, I would have been happy getting a fuzzy pillow. I loved fuzzy pillows. My grandparents' gift to me, however, taught me that the simple pleasures of a five year old boy weren't proper. It was time, they said, that I grew up. After all, I was five, and I had had my opportunity to have a childhood. The gift they gave me was a "grown up" gift. It was a lamp with a little porcelain figure of a boy standing as part of the base. I think I tried to hide my disappointment when I saw what they had given to me, for that was the kind of polite boy I was. This was 1978, so my grandparents would have been 71 and 69; they both came from modest backgrounds, lived through the Great Depression, and believed that childhood was somehow just an unnecessary luxury. Their gift to me was practicality; being a child ...

This one is for the English teachers out there: From: http://www.beautifulperth.com/dumbenglish.html 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 15. They were too close to the door to close it. 16. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 18....

For Writers: Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love," quite possibly the most important love anthem of my (or any) generation, has a purposely misleading title. First, Meatloaf chronicles all of the things he would do for love, including: 1) running into hell and back, and 2) never lying to you (and that's a fact). Meatloaf is nothing if not a romantic. But anyone that's listened to the song knows there is specifically one "thing" that he would never do for love: the enigmatic "that." And what exactly "that" designates isn't specified until the end of the song. And what exactly is it that he would never do? Simple: Meatloaf would never go "screwing around" for love. What would you not do for love? "Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull." -- H.L. Mencken

What are you tuned into at the moment? If you live in the Western world (i.e. the United States and all the places it influences), then you're probably tuned into Christmas. Doesn't really matter if your Christian, atheist, or other. Tis the season, yes? Yet this is also the season when stress levels go up, and suicide rates go up. The only thing that goes down is money in the checking account... and maybe, well, we won't go there... I've been the proverbial "sick dog" for the past few days, but my brain is still active. Ain't that a bitch? :) Drop me an email some time, my good droogies. I miss you all.

The cookies that make you want to take a pregnancy test. Mmmm.... fetus-flavored. My favorite! http://hogmalion.com/shop.cfm?Action=Det&ID=54

Here's a new game to play when you make that long Christmas road trip to Grandma's house. See who can create the best story through the common, everyday road signs you pass. Above is a pretty good example (click on the image to enlarge), but surely you can do better. www.link-through.com/new_car_road_signs/roadsigns2.jpg

It would be too easy for me to make a joke about this story, and I promise I won't say something like: "Why weren't cell phones invented when I went to high school" or "These girls were just trying to show their school spirit." As far as I can tell, though, nobody was pointing a guns to the girls' heads. That is, if they decided to take nude pictures of themselves, that's their business. And who hasn't taken nude pictures of themselves? Not me. But the real interesting thing about the story is that the lawyer admits that the girls made an "error," but surely that's enough, right? Just admit you've made the error, and then you shouldn't have to face punishment. Isn't that how our society works these days?

For Writers: Have you ever wondered what the world will be like when you aren't around to wonder? For most of time future, you won't be around. And when you're gone, some people might remember you for a while, but it won't be long before those people are gone, too. And then, all the people that knew you, or knew the people that knew you, will be gone as well. Simply put, in less than a hundred years time, even the idea of you will have vanished. Even the most famous people in the world become nothing more than a name. Take Alexander the Great, for example. The man conquered "the World," but what do most people know about him, really? So, if you're not remembered for "you," how can your legacy go on? Or does it matter? What difference can you make with your life that will last at least 100 years into the future? Would it bother you if you didn't receive the individual credit for making such a long-lasting difference? "The greatest use of ...

For Writers: The ideal of perfection is not good for morale. Since when did the definition of "good" become "not good enough"? Take, for example, the popular book Good to Great. If something is good -- a business, a life, etc. -- why can't we be satisfied? And what is the standard by which we measure good against great, anyway? A cliched phrase that has lost all meaning is "best practices." In the business world, you'll often hear people talk about "best practices," as though what works best for others can somehow be retrofitted to work best for everyone. Does that ever really work? Not in my experience. The conclusion: humans aren't perfect, nor do we need to be. The standard by which we should be measured is "good," and to measure humanity by any other standard is an insult. Think about something specific in your life that is good. Explain why you believe good really is "good enough" in this case. "Have no ...

For Writers: Sometimes it's just as much fun to watch my wife watching TV as it is to watch the TV itself. Linda isn't squeamish. She can watch the most violent horror movie without any problem. It's the slapstick comedy that gets her every time. Are you familiar with Fawlty Towers? If you've somehow missed this British sitcom, please quit reading this poke right now. You need to purchase the Complete Series DVD post haste. What makes this series difficult for my wife to watch? It's the masterful use of farce -- taking the comedy of errors to the point that laughter itself becomes painful. Basil Fawlty, played by John Cleese, isn't a bad man, but he always brings disaster upon himself, and while viewers understand that Fawlty gets what he deserves, on another level they also recognize that he is powerless to act in any way other than he does. Fawlty simply tries to play the role he has been culturally designed to play, and when things inevitably go wrong, we fee...

For Writers: Sometimes people sit around at parties and ask silly philosophical questions. Well, maybe not the parties you go to, but they do at the parties I go to. One typical question might be something like, "If you knew you only had six months to live, how would that change the way you lived the rest of your life?" We're all going to die, so why should the knowledge that we're going to die in a specific period of time make a difference to the way we live our lives? Do people really live life not believing that they are going to die? I've got news for all you non-immortals out there: You're all going to die. You might not know when, but you might as well start living like you do, because death happens -- even to you. And it could happen sooner than the hypothetical question raised at my philosophical party. Sweet Dreams. What do you want out of life? Do you live each day with that "want" in mind? "Death is more universal than life; everyone ...

What's better than the matching white undershirt look? I don't know, but there's just something about that Tavi. :)

If you're at all like me, you try very hard not to let the books in your house run wild. No matter how many books I read each year, I always seem to buy even more. So for 2009, I've decided to try something novel: the plan is to read from books I already own, and not buy any additional books for an entire year. Is that doable? I don't know. Here's the challenge: I don't care if you buy more books in 2009 or not. I just want you to read 50 books. Are you up to it? I tried to narrow my selection to the "Top 50 Books to Read for 2009," but I couldn't narrow it to 50. But here's an idea (subject to change) of what I plan to read in 2009 (in no particular order): Scott Adams -- God's Debris Scott Adams -- The Religion War Chuck Klosterman -- Killing Yourself to Live Chuck Klosterman -- Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs Chuck Klosterman -- IV Russell Baker -- Growing Up Frank McCourt -- Angela's Ashes Frank McCourt -- ' Tis Lee Stringer -- Sle...

For Writers: It's just speculation, but my guess is that no one would have ever heard of Tina Fey if a stranger hadn't cut her face with a knife when she was a small child. Anyone that's ever seen Tina has probably felt their eyes move uncontrollably to the big scar that marks the left side of her face. I hate to admit it, but that's the first thing I notice every time I see her on TV. And I should know better. I was born with an unusual right ear that interested many people when I was growing up. The top of my ear lapped over too much on top, and my peers couldn't help themselves. They would notice. And although some were too polite to mention noticing, I could always see them looking at it out of the corner of their eyes. In a strange way, I think my flawed ear made me a better observer, a better listener. I'm sure Tina's scar left a similar mark on the way she interacted with her peers, too. Humor certainly is a great defense. Humor is a weapon we use t...

I consider this a "found poem." :) Check out http://www.engrish.com/ And the next time you think your teenagers don't use good English, just think about how much better their mastery of the English language is compared to the rest of the non-English speaking world.