The Writer's Poke

"If there's a camel up a hill..." Wow. I'm totally speechless.

People are speculating on what Palin's next move will be now that she's resigned her governorship . I wonder if Hugh Hefner's or Larry Flynt's people have made her an offer... By the way, what are the main duties of the governor of Alaska, anyway? And if Palin cannot fulfill the duties, does that mean that the first runner-up assumes the throne? Does the runner-up get her crown, too? Photo from http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

I carried her into the room and sat her down on the metal examination table. The doctor knocked on the door, entered, and briefly explained how the shot would work. He explained that I could stay or go; I elected to stay, and I watched as he injected death into her body. She was too weak to fight it, and in a matter of seconds, she was dead. The hardest part was watching her body briefly contort and convulse. As the magic potion did its work, she lost all muscle control. And then she was still. What was once a living, breathing being was now eight pounds of biohazardous waste. Other than when I've killed the occasional fly or bug, the euthanizing of a cat is the closest I've come to the death experience. But I've always had a morbid curiosity about the process of dying. At one moment in time, a person could be both instantaneously alive and dead. What is that moment like? Actually, the state of death isn't so clear cut. The body starts preparing for it weeks, if not m...

People that go through Near Death Experiences ( NDEs ) describe how their spirits leave their bodies. They might watch from above, for example, as doctors work frantically to save their lives. But whether real or imagined, survivors of NDEs often find that the purposes of their lives have totally changed. For some, the NDE itself gives life a purpose that it had heretofore lacked. Most of us will never have a NDE , and there's no reason to wait for one, or heaven forbid, seek one out. Although it might not be nearly as sexy among the paranormal clique, why not have your own Near Life Experience (N LE )? That is, go off to the woods like Henry David Thoreau for a few years. Or, hell, if you insist on being more practical, just go to the local Holiday Inn for a weekend. Bottom line, set time aside to be by yourself, and focus solely on where you are, where you've been, and where you want to be. How many people do that? Why should it take the scare of death to wake you up to how...

My wife would have you believe that I'm a sexy beast. But here's the world's worst kept secret: For just about everyone in the world except her, I'm not. Would I mind being a popular object of desire? That's an interesting question. And I guess the answer would be: no, I wouldn't mind, as long as being objectified didn't turn me into a Fabio-style running joke. It's always made me curious, though: how do hot chicks feel about being sexualized ? Do they dig it? Children, I know there's no right or wrong answer to my query, but most must. Although we've been told that the objectification of women is wrong, because it inevitably leads to viewing women as less than human, we know that such a belief is incomplete. In fact, such a belief is probably more damaging than the potential problem it warns us against. Tangent: Ever notice that no one complains if you objectify someone for their IQ? Maybe it's time for fans of Einstein to unite and put an e...

The past is farther away than the nearest star. We reach for it with our memories, but like a pawn in a game of chess, we can never move backwards. How does one measure ten years? A decade is such a short period of time, and yet as I look back ten years, I make startling discoveries. Ten years ago, I wasn't married. Ten years ago, I had lived in the same state my entire life. Ten years ago, I had never made more than $20,000 in a year. When we look at the stars, we see them from the perspective of the Earth, as though where we are in the universe is the center, and the stars are on the periphery. Likewise, when we look to the past, we assume that the present moment is the place we start when measuring distances of time. With each passing day, we have the opportunity to achieve more. But paradoxically, the more we achieve, the less satisfied we may become. Achievement becomes a burden that some cannot escape, and the longing for a simpler time draws us back to the past. We may or m...

Many consider Federico Fellini's 1963 film 8 1/2 to be one of the best films ever made. I don't know if I would go that far, but it certainly is cerebral. Much like Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, reality, memory, and fantasy blur together. The scene from the film that sticks out most to me is when all of the women in Guido Anselmi's life assemble in one room. Here are his wife, his mistress, old girlfriends, and possibly even women that simply caught his eye for a brief moment on the bus. What an odd and potentially horrifying scenario! And yet, all the women wear big smiles, and everyone appears to be having a jolly-good time -- almost as if they are attending a pleasant memory reunion of sorts. Why do certain memories stay with us? According to Edmund Bolles , "We remember what we understand; we understand only what we pay attention to; we pay attention to what we want." So what exactly does Guido want? That's a question that works on many levels,...

Meredith Brooks keeps releasing albums, bless her heart. But basically she's a one-hit wonder best known for her 1997 song "Bitch." Some of you might remember that song, whose refrain goes: "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm mother" etc. In essence, Brooks is saying: there are many different facets to my being, so don't try to categorize me. I have to tell you that I find it somewhat ironic that her entire musical career, then, has been completely engulfed by this one song. Although she's released a number of albums since this song, people heard "Bitch" so many times that they decided they never needed to hear another Brooks song for the rest of their lives. And yet, I was sitting in my office the other day, and someone's cell phone went off in the hallway. Brooks' song was the ringtone, and someone was apparently calling for the "Bitch." What does your ringtone say about you? Or, if you don't ha...

When I realized that Tavi could start repeating back what I was saying, I quickly taught her to say "Daddy's awesome!" Now she can say it on command, and sometimes she will even say it voluntarily out of the blue. Pretty cool. And, well, I am awesome. No doubt. But am I more awesome than Eta Carinae , a star that is 4 million times brighter than our own sun? Carl Sagan used to be fond of saying, "We're made of star stuff." And when you think about it, that's pretty darn awesome. But what makes humans more awesome than even the most humble star? Some might say, "We have the ability to realize just how awesome we are." Really? Is that all it takes to make us more awesome than stars? Where do stars go when they die? Nowhere. No one claims that there's a heaven for stars. Yet, we, that are made from stars, do have a heaven? Strange what self-reflecting beings can come up with... What makes you so awesome? "If we long to believe that the s...

Those that have taught (or taken) Freshman Composition in the past 15 years are probably very familiar with Judy Syfer's classic 1971 feminist essay "I Want a Wife." In it, she assumes the voice of the typical male chauvinist, describing all the things a good wife must do: not complain, please sexually, put herself second, take care of the kids and all of the housework, etc. Throughout the essay, Syfer's running refrain is "I want a wife," and after she's done cataloging the wife's "traditional" duties, she rhetorically asks: "My God, who wouldn't want a wife?" Of course her point isn't that a wife should be defined in the traditional way. She shouldn't be the husband's servant. The essay calls for liberation and a redefining of what we think a wife should be. About twenty years later, RATT released a song called "I Want a Woman." This song is so complicated and deep that it would be impossible for me ...

I watched Pinocchio for the first time last night, and what a quaint story it is by today's standards. Here's a wooden puppet that would love to become a boy, but to do so, he must prove himself. His task is to avoid lying, avoid smoking, and for god's sake, avoid playing pool. Real boys know right from wrong, and they choose to live according to their consciences. Most of the focus in the movie is on Pinocchio, but it's quite clear in the Paradise Island segment that boys who "sin" aren't any better than marionettes (or jackasses). They're just controlled by different strings. Pinocchio's "conscience" is Jiminy Cricket, which is interestingly a euphemism for Jesus Christ. Unlike a "real" conscience, and unlike Jesus Christ, Jiminy is not perfect. He's a little bit of a ladies' man, and one wonders if perhaps sometimes a conscience itself doesn't need a conscience. But both Jiminy and Pinocchio grow by film's ...

The sound is a little off, but the lyrics are crazy-good. Mariah fans and anti-Mariah haters alike should be able to appreciate this one...

http://www.laughbreak.com/lists/numbers_of_the_beast.html This scummy kid walked out of the bathroom, and the first thing I noticed about him was his earring. In 1987, not too many guys wore earrings at my junior high. His was an inverted cross, and I remember wondering why anyone would want to wear an inverted cross. To my mind at the time, that was a symbol of Satan, and I couldn't understand why anyone would want to join the losing team. Later that year, I found myself doodling the number 666 on one of my notebooks. When my dad saw the notebook on the kitchen table that night, he nicely recommended that I scratch out that number and not ever doodle it again. Why? I asked. How can that number have any meaning? Surely the devil doesn't really have a "human number." But Dad explained that it wasn't the number that mattered so much as how other people would perceive the owner of the notebook. Somewhere between seeing that boy coming out of the bathroom and doodling...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0AGiq9j_Ak In the original 1992 Gatorade commerical staring Michael Jordan, a chorus of children sing "If I could be like Mike" while a montage of basketball images cascade across the screen. In four specific scenes, we see Mike hold a Gatorade product in his hand, but only in one of them does he hold the cup to his lips. Does he actually take a sip? The scene cuts away before we can know for sure. And what exactly does "Be Like Mike" mean, anyway? The message at the end of the commercial isn't very subtle: "Be Like Mike. Drink Gatorade." The commercial actually ends with this command (in black and white no less). Whoever designed the commercial didn't want you to simply "be like Mike"; they wanted to make sure that you got the message that you should be drinking the green liquid (and how exactly do you describe the taste?) at all times. If we are to "Be Like Mike," does that mean that we should ...

As careful readers of my blog will recall, as an undergraduate in college I wrote a poem called "Zugzwang und Zwischen ." This was the first time that I explored the idea that freedom from choice could be beneficial. It's surprising what you find out about yourself when you spend a lot of time writing. I'm not sure I would have ever expressed that belief had I not written a poem about it. But give it some thought and see if it doesn't make some sense. Isn't it true that most of us sacrifice choices in our lives? Why on earth would we do that, unless we expected to receive some sort of benefit? Example: most of us marry, and for most people, marriage is a contract between two people -- you "forsake all others." In other words, you give up choices, yes? And at least initially , most people find value in the institution of marriage, yes? Now, we can quibble over how high the divorce rate is, how many people cheat on their spouses , etc. But just take t...

Back in the late 1980s, a professional wrestler named Ted Dibiase took on the moniker of "The Million Dollar Man." The gimmick made him one of the most hated heels in the business, and his signature laugh told everyone that he had the money to do whatever he wanted. Back in those days, wrestlers still lived their characters 24/7, and wrestling promoter Vince McMahon would pay for Dibiase to be driven around in limos, fly first class, and utilize the services of a personal servant /body guard, Virgil. When Dibiase couldn't buy the World Title, he simply had the Million Dollar Belt created. " Everybody's got a price" was Dibiase's catch-phrase, and maybe fans loved to hate him because they recognized the truth in that statement. Who can blame the rich for acting rich? Wouldn't we all act like the Million Dollar Man if given the chance? Of course the ultimate price movie, Indecent Proposal , came out in 1993. Yes, Demi Moore's character did ac...

I almost hesitate writing this one, because it's not my intention to jinx the man. Religious leaders tend to have some pretty nasty skeletons in their closets, but thus far, Joel Osteen seems to be exactly what he appears to be. And I have decided that Osteen is my favorite Christian. The first time I saw him on TV, I was flipping through the channels in an effort to cure my insomnia. And there was this guy's smiling face. My wife calls me a funny atheist, but sometimes I like to watch TV preachers doing their thing, and this guy hooked me in. Something about him was different. First off, he could give an entire sermon without once providing a Bible reference. Some might think that a weird thing to appreciate about a preacher, but I liked it. He clearly knew his Christian philosophy, but he didn't feel the need to footnote every line of text. In other words, he could think for himself, and he didn't spend an entire sermon paraphrasing or explaining what a particular ...

One of the best non-fiction books I've probably ever read is Chip Heath and Dan Heath's Made to Stick . Heath and Heath explain why some ideas stay with us, while others just fade away. Their main premise is that sticky ideas have six basic qualities: simplicity, unexpectedness, concreteness, credibility, emotional connectedness, and the element of story. Looking at the blog attached to the book, I noticed that the authors posted a link to The World of 100: http://www.toby-ng.com/graphic-design/the-world-of-100/ This link takes statistical data about the world and uses picture graphs to present the information. It's difficult to visualize statistics for 6 billion people, so instead the creator of these graphs breaks it down to the world as though it were made up of just 100 people. Thinking about the data from that perspective is really kind of neat. For example, instead of trying to image that 2 billion people in the world are Christian, try to imagine that 33 people out o...

I know I've dissed routines before, and I still hate mornings mainly because of the routine involved in starting the day. But my daughter shared an epiphany with me last night, and I'll try not to forget it. Every night, we read books. Then Tavi has her bath. When bath time is over, Linda brings her out wrapped in a towel, and Tavi calls for "Daddy kisses." Once properly kissed, we apply her butt wipe, put on the overnight diaper and PJs, and sit down together in the dimly-lit living room. Then Tavi will walk back and forth between us, give hugs and kisses, and try her best to negotiate a few more bedtime stories before walking off to her crib. In the crib, everything must be just so. Her silky blanket must touch her face, her bottle must be within arm's reach, her baby that recites the child's prayer must be at her side, and her Piglet doll must be in view as well. Some routines rock. What are the best and worst parts of your average day? "The secret of ...

What exactly is a billion years? It's a hard concept to even imagine. To explain how long humans have been around in comparison to the universe, Carl Sagan used the metaphor of the calendar. If the universe began on January 1, the Milky Way galaxy wasn't formed until March, the sun and planets in our solar system didn't form until August, and single-celled life didn't appear until September. When did humans appear? Oh, around 10:48 p.m. on December 31. In other words, we've only been around for a little over an hour, and Columbus's voyage to the Americas happened a second ago. We really have no concept of eternity. But let's assume the universe had a beginning. Scientists now believe the universe is about 14 billion years old. And from all evidence, the universe seems to be expending ever outward at an incredible rate. Can it expand forever without consequence? Some scientists suggest that it cannot. Think about filling up a balloon. Eventually it pops, and ...