The Writer's Poke

Pure genius.

Funny...

It's all about context. Yeah.

Absolutely brilliant!

I teach college writing classes, but sometimes most of the students sitting in my classes are dually-enrolled high school Juniors and Seniors. And I know: I know that I'm old because most of the students I teach weren't even born when I graduated from high school. And I know that I'm old because five years to me and five years to my students means something completely different. Example: I ask my students if they listen to 50 Cent. "Yes," one volunteers, "like in 6 th grade!" Doing some quick math, I realize that for her, 6 th grade is five years ago. For her, five years is the difference between grade school and sitting in the college classroom. For me, five years is the difference between being married 5 years and being married 10 years. In the past 5 years, I've seen significant changes in my life, to be sure. I completed my Ph.D., moved from Georgia to Minnesota, became a Dean, and decided to go back to teaching. My wife and I have travel...

When I drive through the Hyvee parking lot, I often look at the special parking spots designated for the handicapped. Most users of these spots must have invisible handicaps, though, because as I walk up and down the aisles at the grocery store, I hardly ever see anyone in a wheel chair. So who are using these spots? Certainly not paraplegics. But then it dawned on me. Maybe these spots aren't for people paralyzed from the neck down. Maybe they're set aside for people paralyzed from the neck up. Until these people speak, you'd never assume them to be anything other than normal. It's only after holding a conversation with them that you understand that they suffer from the worst handicap imaginable. Millions of people suffer from brain freeze, and I'm not talking about the kind that comes from eating ice cream too quickly. Brain freeze often goes undiagnosed, and often times those that suffer from the condition don't even know they have it, because they tend to c...

We try so hard to fit in, don't we? Wouldn't it be great if scientists could generically engineer us from birth? That way, we wouldn't have to worry about if we were enough like our peers and society. We would find automatic acceptance, as we wouldn't even have to think about how we could be more like our school chums, our cubical-dwelling neighbors, or even our church-sitting pew-mates. I jest, of course. No one needs "generic engineering"; it seems to be built into our genes. Ironically, even people that try to be different often end up being different in pathetically generic ways. Is there any escape? In a world of 6 billion people, probably not. Even people that are "one-in-a-million unique" will find that there are thousands of people just like them. Not to say that sharing common values and interests is a bad thing. But it's simply the process of being worn down to the least common denominator that bothers me. How can we fight generic engi...

Before going to work, I like to stop off at the local coffee shop in the morning. I find it's a good place to center myself, prep for the day ahead, and catch up on some grading. Meanwhile, hordes of older people congregate there, too, for no other purpose than to gossip, chat loudly, and drink coffee. And I have to admit it; if it weren't for my trusty headphones, I'm sure I would find them and their idle conversations to be annoying at best and depressing at worst. This morning I happened to forget my headphones, and so I was treated to chatter about who was most likely to be voted off American Idol, how late the winter Olympics forces people to stay up past sensible bedtimes, and where to stay in Las Vegas on upcoming adventures. I don't blame these people for being old. Unless you die, you have no control over the aging process. But I do blame them for how they apparently "live." Do their lives really revolve around TV and trips to Las Vegas? Or, is that...

Comic book characters do age, but not in the same way that you and I do. Upon her reintroduction to Gotham, the Huntress meets Catwoman , and Catwoman immediately takes to Huntress's renegade style. So, Huntress asks, how long have you and Batman been chasing each other? I know it's only been two or three years, Catwoman replies, but it feels like seventy. And that's how time works for comic book characters. Time isn't linear; it would be closer to say it's parallel, but even that isn't exactly correct. As DC comic fans know, until Infinite Crisis, continuity problems in characters and story lines were explained away through the use of parallel universes. Infinite Crisis put an end to the alternate realities, but character relaunchings still occur. Thus, Huntress's origin story is entirely rewritten, for example, and her placement in the DC Universe shifts. The writers claim the practice of starting characters over again and re-imagining their beginnings ...

Strange little video. Not sure it adds anything to the song... I like the song a lot, although some of the "heavier" H.I.M. fans think it sounds too pop. Video does show the band is aging a bit, but don't we all?

Like me, Roger Ebert is an Illinois boy. He has dedicated his life to one thing: watching movies. My initial reaction to that is: Gee, what a way to waste a life -- sitting in a dark room all day, living life vicariously by watching the fictional stories created in the minds of others. But that's just my initial reaction. When I stop to think about it for another two seconds, my thoughts shift to: Wow. He got paid to watch movies for a living. Of course he did a lot more than watch movies. He thought about them; he analyzed them; he wrote about them. I'm no Ebert fanboy; he and I don't always agree, but I generally respect his opinions and observations, and I love to read how he viewed a movie. I've never had the chance to watch a movie frame-by-frame with him, but I imagine that would be an illuminating experience. At this point in my life, all I can do is work my way through his The Great Movies I & II. Thanks to the invention of Netflix and the instant availabili...

Should we apologize for what is in our nature? According to Madonna, we shouldn't, and yet perhaps it's society's need to curb the individual that has promoted thousands of years of repression. The basic thesis of the movie Roshomon , for example, is that everyone lies. We all embellish our presentations to others to place ourselves in the best light. In other words, we attempt to present not our real selves, but our ideals. In truth, however, no one ever lives up to their ideals. So why do we feel the pressure to be something we're not? Why do we feel the need to pretend, or to apologize for failing to live up to something fake? The question is, what's wrong with being human? Granted, except for Britney Spears, most people wouldn't turn to Madonna for advice on how to live their lives, but perhaps Madonna actually is a modern-day prophet? "Dogs never bite me. Just humans." -- Marylin Monroe What is your definition of what it means to be human?

I don't sit around and think about Belinda Carlisle much these days, but I did in 1987. Something about the video "Heaven Is a Place on Earth" spoke to me, and if you keep in mind that I was 14 years old, you can probably guess what it was. At the time, she would have been 29, although I doubt that I gave her age much thought. I didn't know her history, or even that she was once in a band named the Go-Gos. To me, Belinda was fresh and new, and when I watched the video, I thought of her as virginal. Sure, there's a dude in the video, but he was my surrogate. And even as a 14 year old viewer, I could tell that she was just acting; she wasn't that into the stand-in. So, how does an average person meet and enter the world of the famous? Moreover, how does a 14 year old dude make a famous chick fall for his charms, when the only way to meet someone like Belinda might be at an autograph session, where one might only have five seconds to make an impression? These wer...

Do your music interests change over time? Looking back over the past 20 years, I'd say that mine have, although every group that I've liked in the past I tend to still like today. If I had to pick the top four or five band most important to me, though, here's what the past 20 years of preference looks like. What's yours? 2009 The 69 Eyes H.I.M. Iron Maiden Rammstein 2005 Lacuna Coil Lullacry The 69 Eyes Charon 1998 Megadeth Iron Maiden Scorpions Type O Negative 1993 KISS Megadeth Iron Maiden Scorpions 1988 KISS Winger Warrant Europe

The 69 Eyes may not be the most popular rock band to come out of Finland, but if not, they're right up there. And what does all of that success translate to in terms of mainstream American recognition? Zilch. Of course it's not surprising that commercial radio doesn't play their songs, and granted, their Gothic style and vampire-themed songs have a built-in limited audience appeal. Nevertheless, when I recently attended a concert in Minneapolis promoting their latest album Back in Blood , I was more than a little shocked to see the venue. It was just a hole-in-wall bar in a very generic-looking strip mall. I hadn't ordered advanced tickets, but when I arrived just before show time, maybe 100 people were there for the concert. On the other half of the bar, people watched the World Series and played pool. They didn't seem to know that the Helsinki Vampires had flown all the way to America to play for just us. So, one of the most popular bands from Finland, a band tha...

In 2 nd grade, it was a big honor, of course, to be allowed to run the film projector. Mrs. Brandt made us earn the privilege by handing out tokens for good behavior. Being in charge of the film projector might be worth 25 tokens, and it took a LONG time to earn 25 tokens -- maybe as long as two weeks or more, depending on how naturally naughty you happened to be. Those of us that hadn't yet learned the benefit of deferred gratification might elect, then, just to man the film strip, turning the crank every time the accompanying record beeped. Film strips weren't nearly as sexy, but at 10 tokens, they were quite the second grade bargain. So what kinds of things did we watch? It's been nearly 30 years, but I still remember Rosey Grier singing "It's Alright to Cry." How unusual was Rosey , a big, African-American football player, singing a song about how it was okay to express your feelings. And as far as I remember, none of the guys immediately started cryin...

Sean Hannity , Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck -- the modern-day Three Stooges. None of them would ever fight in a war themselves, but all of them love war. All of them believe in an Enemy, and without an Enemy, they would have nothing to talk about. Their whole worldview is wrapped up in an "us vs. them" mentality . They spend 99% of their time talking and 1% listening; they think they know all the answers, which means they don't value asking questions. Millions of people listen to what they say every day; I used to listen to Hannity and Rush, too, and it's amazing how they can fill 3 hours every day and say basically nothing, over and over again. And yet, the limited amount they do repeat over and over sticks in the minds of their listeners. What did Lenin say? "A lie told often enough becomes the truth." *** We shouldn't be surprised that the Three Stooges attack Obama for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Frankly, they don't believe in peace, they do...

David Letterman admitted having sex with some female members of his staff. That fact in itself didn't initially bother me, but I did feel disappointed in his behavior. I don't think I registered why I felt disappointment when I first watched his apology. But now I've identified that I am most disappointed not because he cheated on his wife, and not even because he used his power and his position for sex, but because he has now been outed as a major hypocrite. Letterman fans, and yes I have been one for over 25 years, are, not surprisingly, quick to defend him. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one is perfect. Sure, sure. But this is a guy that's made his living poking fun at the flaws of others -- including the sexual flaws of others. In other words, I thought he would know better. And, I still think that he did know better, but he decided to listen to his sex drive rather than the one or two tiny parts of the male brain that don't think about sex 24/7. Everyone wants...