The Writer's Poke

Don't let current events force you to discuss an issue if your position is weak and is being criticized by the political opposition and its media allies. (Example: Don't enter into a discussion about Climate Change when a Category 5 hurricane is approaching Florida a week after a Category 5 hurricane hit Texas. Just say, "Now is not the time to discuss X.").

Don't frame issues in terms of right and wrong; frame them in terms of whether they are "politically correct" or "politically incorrect."

Tax cuts always pay for themselves.

Remember: Your dogma is simply common sense; other people's dogma is not "common sense," whether they think it is or not.

Disguise private motives in the dress of public interest.

Surround yourself with crazy, stupid, and extreme and you'll appear saner, more intelligent, and more moderate by comparison.

Sizzle is what sells the steak.

Feeling entitled is bad; being "chosen," on the other hand, is divine.

"White Christian culture" holds all of the answers. There is no reason to seek the best out of every culture. Incorporating the best out of other cultures would only dilute white Christian culture.

"Fake it 'til you make it" is the solution. Once you've made it, you can label who's real and who's fake.

Delayed gratification is great for the masses; but for GOP leadership, power is defined as eating your marshmallow any damn time you want to.

Don't waste time learning about things you already know.

It is more important to have authority than to be an authority.

Protect the people who vote for you.

When someone criticizes you, immediately criticize your opponent without addressing the criticism directed at you. (Example: "What about Clinton?" or "What about Obama?") This very effective technique is known as "Whataboutism" or "Ping-ponging."

Stick to the big picture; avoid the details.

Problems that can be avoided can be safely ignored.

Forget creative solutions to problems; go with standard "common sense" solutions.

When (and only when) you've exhausted all other options, be transparent.

The world revolves around the United States; ever must it be so.

Focus on what you perceive, not on what you observe.

Make it clear that the opposition's ideas don't work, and whenever the opposition's ideas are implemented, do whatever is necessary to make sure that they don't.

Everything must be labeled. Those things not properly labeled are dangerous. (Example: That's why we must always use phrases such as "Radical Islamic Terrorism.")

Drone on incessantly about threats that aren't likely to happen, and then take all of the credit when they never come to pass.

Provide simple solutions to complex problems.

Before making any decision, first calculate what is best in your own self-interest.

Power requires party loyalty.

I have a confession to make. I compare every state park I visit against Indiana’s Turkey Run State Park. Turkey Run is my ideal state park, and although it’s the state park of my childhood, I know it’s not just nostalgia speaking. I have visited Turkey Run a few times as an adult, and it hasn't ceased to impress me. It has a total of ten trails, and to access most of them, you must cross Sugar Creek on an impressive, well-maintained pedestrian bridge. The trails themselves are everything that you might want – they go through narrow sandstone gorges, some require ladder climbing, and others follow “creek beds.” For me, Turkey Run is about the hiking, but I also have fond memories of canoeing down the shallow (sometimes too shallow) Sugar Creek. But this post isn’t supposed to be about Turkey Run. It is supposed to be about Minnesota's Whitewater State Park, which may well be the nicest state park in the southeast Minnesota region. It is much smaller than Turkey Run, a...

Find a way to win and maintain power. That is the prime directive.

The political process is finite. There are winners and losers.

The purpose of examining the evidence is simply and solely to help support the GOP’s stated ideology. An examination of the evidence should never be allowed to be used to disprove it. 

Passionately argue that the iceberg is solely what is visible above the surface of the water.

Perpetual distraction is the best defense.

Some things, such as National Security, are never attainable. Make the promise that you can attain it anyway. Make it clear that your opponents do not want to attain the worthy ideal, and will do anything within their power to stop you.

Lanesboro is one of my “what if?” places. What if we moved here? What if we opened a coffee shop downtown and lived on the second floor above it? After a recent day trip to Spud Boy’s Diner, my head was full of “what if?” thoughts. A quick real estate search showed that two storefront locations were currently available in downtown Lanesboro. One was right next to Spud Boy’s, a prime location, and it included a one bedroom loft. The other, just off the main street, included a two bedroom apartment. The asking price for both was roughly what we paid for our current house. Breakfast at Spud Boy's Diner. I asked Linda what she thought about moving to Lanesboro to open a coffee shop. Surprisingly, she didn’t immediately scream “NO!” Not that this is her typical reaction to my silly “what if?” propositions, but she often is my voice of reason. For this idea, however, she said, “Well, it would be quite a life change, but it would be doable.” The doable “what ifs?” are th...

Make policies to defend the strong so that they will be able to protect the weak.

When you see the little Tower, you're there.  A few days ago, the idea of climbing the Elba Fire Tower crossed my mind. It would be a good excuse for us to make a pit stop at the St. Charles Bakery, a bakery we had never been to before, and maybe it would make up for the last time we climbed the Tower. The last time we climbed it, I had uncontrolled asthma, and that made it quite a challenge to climb the 633 steps (plus or minus) to the top. A few days ago, I was feeling pretty darn good, but for a variety of reasons, it would take five days before we actually made the drive over to Elba. And, for the last few days, my right Achilles’ heel has been hurting. Just the joys of growing older, although to be honest, I've been dealing with gout and general pain for almost fifteen years now. A nice day for a climb. Doesn't look that much of a climb from a distance...  Temperature-wise, it was a perfect day for a climb – about 70, and not too sunny. Before maki...

Keep your friends close, but keep your billionaire friends closer.

Control the narrative, control the truth.

Declare victory, even if you haven't actually won.

If all else fails, blame Obama.

Some time ago in the spring, I found out that David Ellefson, bass player and co-founder of Megadeth, was rebranding the coffee shop in Jackson, Minnesota. Every so often I would tell Linda that I planned to drive over there to check it out, but the morning that I actually decided to drive over there to check it out, I think I surprised her. I’m not sure she thought I would ever do it. “What else are you going to do over there?” “Oh, that’s it. Just drive over there, order a cup of coffee, and drive home.” I had checked out Jackson on Tripadvisor, and honestly, Jackson seemed like it didn’t have much going on. My mind map of southwestern Minnesota was mainly a blank. I knew that I-90 drove through, but I thought perhaps the interstate was a metaphor: Beware ye who enter here, lest ye be on your way to somewhere else. When I told Tavi we were driving two hours to visit a coffee shop, the idea didn’t seem far-fetched to her. She only had one question, “Do they serve hot ...

The final product is all that matters; never worry about the process.

To do something big, start big.

If you're in charge, expect the best-case scenario; if you're not in charge, predict the worst-case scenario.

Don't ever compromise: Make others adapt to you.

Remember the Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

          It is more important to repeatedly state the claim than it is to establish the facts. 

       Justice isn’t blind; it’s political. 

         Principles are good in theory, but in practice, winning is much more important. 

West Concord, Minnesota: Population 782 Distance from Rochester, Minnesota: 31 miles Reason to drive there: Only one – Omar’s Café for Sunday Brunch Sunday mornings in West Concord are incredibly quiet. No one in town is stirring, and except for the few cars in front of Omar’s Café,  you might be forgiven if you thought you were in a ghost town.  The view in the middle of Main Street looking to the east.  Why did Omar decide to open a cafe in, of all places, West Concord? I've never asked him the question directly, but I'm sure part of it has to do with the location. Yes, it's a 30 mile drive from Rochester, but maybe that works in his favor. If you want to have Sunday morning brunch at Omar's, you're going to have to make a firm decision to go. It's not a cafe that you end up going to on accident.  Linda and Octavia heading in.  Is it worth the drive? Sure it is. We've had Sunday Brunch at Omar's maybe ...

       Never admit you’re wrong, because doing so could give your opponent an advantage.  Losing is worse than being wrong. 

      The end goal of the political process should be to maintain and perpetuate the proper status quo. If the liberal agenda has disturbed this, then the primary objective should be to return things to the way they were. 

      The individual self is separate from all other individuals. What is his is his alone. 

The Wired Rooster Coffee Shoppe  -- Caledonia, Minnesota I've lived in Minnesota for over ten years, sure, but that doesn't mean I've actually seen much of the state. Like most people, I know what I know, and I go where I go. And that's the extent of it. But once I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to make it to Alaska this summer, it occurred to me that I had plenty of sites to explore in the immediate region. First stop: Caledonia, Minnesota. Where's that? It's a small town in the southeast corner of the state. Before I opened my Rand McNally Road Atlas, I had never heard of it, and before I punched the town name into Trip Advisor, I didn't know if there was anything there worth visiting. Distance from home: About 75 miles. Challenge #1: Leaving by 6:30 a.m. Challenge #2: Taking my dog, Atticus. Actually, Atticus is a good dog on a road trip, but the forecast indicated that it was going to get into the 90s. I wanted to ...

Laws don't stop bad people from doing bad things; good people do good things on their own. Ergo, laws aren't necessary.

I wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise this summer, and I monitored cruise prices daily until they finally hit the sweet spot. Unfortunately, once prices hit the sweet spot, I admitted to myself that whether the cruise cost $899 or $1599, it really didn’t matter. The price might be right, but other variables made it next to impossible for me to leave home for the 2+ plus weeks such a trip would require. So naturally I was a little depressed, and I allowed myself to stew for a few days. What good is having time off when I’m still not free to utilize it in the manner I would like? What good is having the money to purchase the tickets when I still cannot “afford” to go? I was locked into a “woe is me” frame of mind. Don’t get me wrong: I wasn’t angry at my situation, but it would be fair to say that I was disappointed. I wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise this summer, and couldn't help feeling that I should be able to go on an Alaskan cruise this summer! I’ve felt this way ...